THEDRYCLEANER: Dusty and dirty
By THEDRYCLEANER - Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 12:31:06
For those living in Kabula, Zomba and eMzuzu, Lilongwe should be an uninteresting place; a dustbowl of a place, whose only exciting moment is when the dust rises rather precipitously, gathers momentum and swirls around in such fashion as to leave one thoroughly dirty after it has passed through, as if one were a reluctant initiate of some sect.
But that perception misses the heart and the soul of the capital. It’s the capital not because it can churn out dust of the magnitude that no other place in Malawi can dare even come close. It is the capital because it has everything in abundance or is closer to areas that have everything in abundance.
We have money aplenty here; farmers in their numbers; tobacco that goes unsold every year because we have too much of it. It should come as no wonder that, somehow, we have successfully managed to brew one scandal after another — after all, where there is a lot of money, scandal hangs by.
Now, the latest that thedrycleaner has heard about the city is a shade more scandalous than scandal itself and makes yours truly wonder whether it is worth it for my reputation to be associated with the city at all.
But, of course, Kasungu apparently leads the way! You see, thedrycleaner woke up on a Thursday morning to shocking news, to read in the papers than one woman in Kasungu is testing tradition to the limits by being married to two men.
Well, being married to one man and maintaining an ‘emergency exit’ is one thing but managing two husbands is the stuff than even records in the Guinness Book of Records are not made of.
But, the Kasungu scenario is child’s play when you take into account the loose ménage à trios we have in Lilongwe.
You see, there is one woman in the capital who is an ‘almost’ wife to two respectable men in the capital: one of the men comes in the mould of someone so honourable he could be honour itself and the other is no less an ordinary person but without the honour.
What has baffled thedrycleaner and other inhabitant of this dusty town is the status she holds in the families of the two men.
Both men are happily married (how trite this term has become!) but men will always be men—they will never be satisfied with what they have and will always want to experiment with new territories!
So both men, unknown to each, found their adventures in the same woman.
Now that should be no problem — except that each of the men, and their families too, know the woman as only second to the official wives.
To make matters more complicated, the woman bore a child, a boy who resembles her mother more than any of the two men.
But here now comes the conundrum: Both men take the child as theirs biologically.
Thedrycleaner is still to find out why the two men pretend as if they know each other and how the she-devil keeps both of them serviced and happy.
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Incensed with thedrycleaner
Thedrycleaner,
When I read your article of Sunday January 6, 2007, it didn’t escape me that I was the subject. Koma dziwa izi bakha iwe:
1. Instead of propagating hate against Nigerian men, I should tell you that Malawian men could draw a lesson or two from Nigerians about how to love and treat their women.
I am not ashamed to acknowledge that I’m madly in love with Brother Loverman Abomination and have no apologies to make to anyone. He treats me like a queen I’m. The shop you mentioned in your lousy article was an engagement gift. So what? What law am I breaking for loving a Nigerian regardless of his economic activity?
Unlike your ugly spouse, I’m so attractive that I’m able to melt hearts of rich businessmen. Are you motivated by envy?
2. Malawian men, including (name withheld at thedrycleaner’s discretion) are a disappointment. They lie, cheat and fail to satisfy my sexual needs. Love has no boundaries.
Again, I was not breaking any law when I loved and bedded a workmate. However, he duped me when he renegaded from our pact to dump our spouses and elope. Ndiye ndikanatani?
3. My extra curricular activities are no business of yours. I do what I have in order to put good food on the table. Should I be knocking on your door for a meal if I’m to stop ”maximising use of my body assets”?
I care less if you publish this response. I’ve made my point.
Mrs H. Abomination
* * * * * *
Thedrycleaner was tempted to comment on the matter but then, why give termic to someone who is already dangling by the rope?
However, should there be anyone who feels inclined to help, psychologically, the woman who takes a pathological pride in maximising use of her body assets so as to put food on the table, they are welcome to by writing to thedrycleaner.
Malawian men, much maligned by the sexually insatiable Mrs. Abomination, can only ignore her advice at their own peril; you could wake one day to find all your women taken over by super-performing Nigerians.
********
Cultural shock
A friend of thedrycleaner had the shock of his life from which he has barely recovered. He was in one of the lakeshore districts, sampling the beauty of the lake and experimenting with drunkenness levels by the lake when he saw what he thought was a breast to be good to spurned.
So, he called the woman over, had a chat with her for a few seconds and satisfied with what he assumed was a prime catch, he proceeded to buy for her beers costing over K250 a bottle when his poison cost only K100.
After he had one too many, he decided to put his hand where his money was going. And that’s when he had the shock whose after-effects are still dizzying him!
What appeared like a well-pointed breast in its ‘wrapping’ turned out to be foam nicely worked out to give off an aura of a full breast.
The man is still ruing his lost investment (he bought her six bottles and kanyenya for her) and he appears to have lost more than half his mind.
Life in Malawi is…
One man clinging to an influential political position so that you can hand it over to your son when he comes of age.
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