THEDRYCLEANER: Political intrigue in the bedroom
By THEDRYCLEANER - Wednesday, December 12, 2007 - 16:32:30
There is an underlying suspicion among Malawians that politicians should never be trusted on the veracity of their word. If one politician calls another a dog, you are well advised to steer off from the temptation of taking a mile and calling the same politician a rabid dog.
That rabid politician could bite you but will happily flirt with his political adversary who classified alongside canines. In fact, politicians of diverse persuasions meet as regularly as dogs do during the mating season. They laugh over cups of tea, they share notes over the phone and chide each other for going overboard in their verbal calamities during banquets.
Not too long ago — as recent as four years ago — one politician, who was not particular famed for his linguistic etiquette, once labelled a political adversary (well, a weather-beaten political scarecrow, really) a drooling idiot. The drooling idiot, not one to take it lying down, shot back and called the other kleptomaniac — someone who would have been barbequed had the fashion not been a preserve for petty, township thieves only.
The two, so thedrycleaner is informed, are now the greatest of buddies and have pooled together their linguistic arsenal to harass anyone unfortunate enough to find himself on the other side. It is said their meetings have had the Censorship Board worried because their speeches contain more four-letter epithets than a whore can hurl in a minute at a customer who has eaten the apple but has failed to cultivate the garden.
They are poli-tee-ceans after all.
Thedrycleaner has received irrefutable proof that some two recent political enemies (Mr. Whistle and Mr. Railing) may not be foes for too long; their children, so it appears, are acting the peacemaker — but on their own terms.
Thedrycleaner is watching the situation with a mixture of incredulity, disgust, anticipation and anger: after thedrycleaner, men of the collar and other people failed to come within a whiff of peace between the two belligerent politicians, how dare these children believe they can fare where the high and almighty of society failed?
You see, Railing’s daughter, not so famed for her moral modesty, recently seduced some Johnny-come-lately into music. The long and short of it is that this Johnny-come-lately was at some big event where those people who think they are the who is who of society (when we all know that, apart from thedrycleaner, very few fit this bill) were present.
Trouble flared at the ball when Railing’s daughter, like some well-versed whore, went on to work on the weak side of Johnny-come-lately (who had his wife on his arm) until he was soft all over and fell to Railing’s daughter’s charms.
It was all good and fine between the two secretive lovebirds — until Johnny-come-lately’s wife suspected there was something more than just a lyrical pact about the two’s relationship. And when she dug deeper into it, she was shocked with what she unearthed. And like all angry women would do, she swore revenge.
A few weeks ago, she exacted her revenge. She got her pound of flesh, blood, bones and all when she sought out her husband’s girlfriend’s father’s enemy’s son (Phew! That’s some convoluted relationship but it is as true as it is written!) who is, essentially, Mr. Whistle’s son. The two are into their own world of sin, romantic bliss and, thedrycleaner believes, have spun a whole refreshing tale of political intrigue.
Now, this is not the first time Mr. Whistle’s son has entered into this sort of relationship. Sometime back, when his father was the high and the almighty, he was happily having it with his father’s other enemy’s daughter — his father, you might say, has some inimitable talent of inventing enemies.
Now, does the son of the politician-with-enemies-everywhere get the blessing of his father when he enters into these politically charged sexual liaisons?
As one colleague of yours truly has observed, there, surely, is some mischief afoot. The coincidence is no coincidence at all.
We might, yet, see peace in our time — just watch this space.
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Welcome to e-Mzuzu
Thedrycleaner was in Mzuzu recently. Mzuzu is a cold city when it is cold, cold when it hot, interesting when it is interesting, downright comical when the occasion demands it. Recently, Mzuzu had a traffic jam never experienced before and never dreamed of by the residents. The cause of the traffic jam was nothing other than recently installed traffic rights which had drivers and pedestrians transfixed as they spent hours on end marvelling at the ingenuity of man.
It was also in Mzuzu where thedrycleaner heard the most foolish tale as to be obviously improbable.
One man, having learnt that his mother-in-law was coming to his house went into town (to the city, so the residents swear Mzuzu is) to buy one or two things for the old woman so she could appreciate her son-in-law’s hospitality.
As he drove into town, he almost dispatched one woman and a young girl to kingdom come because they couldn’t decide fast enough when to cross the road. The man was incensed and like all people who are in this temporary state of insanity, he left the comfort of his car, descended on the helpless aging woman and the child, scared the living daylights out of them with mean karate kicks that would make Bruce Lee wish he could return to life to learn or two tricks!
When he was through with them, neither woman nor child was willing to move a foot further.
Through with his shopping, the man went home whistling a tune he alone knew, opened the door to his house and lo and behold! Sitting in a chair and explaining animatedly to his wife her fate at the hands (and feet, of course!) of a bullish savage in town, was the woman he had just given a crash course in road safety in town. And she was the mother-in-law he had been expecting.
Who said small cities cannot cook up scandals that belie their size?
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Soaked for next week
One big, big bwana at a big government department is in big trouble after going out — big time — with a big ‘junior’ at his big workplace who was in another relationship with another big bwana at another big company… But there is a twist to the story: another junior male officer was also…
…also for next week
Two buddies pulled a hard and fast one on their wives after the two notorious sportsmen were caught with their pants down — literary — with spare wheels.
No injunctions please — in any legitimate court of law or one constituted at a bar, in church, in a brothel or anywhere for that matter!
Life in Malawi is…
A married girlfriend complaining to an equally married boyfriend about how stupid her husband is to force her to live in a cheap house in a cheap city.
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